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No Third Terms, Vote for Burns.

http://burnsformayor.com

Mr. Burns of Simpsons fame is running for Mayor of New York City. He’s no longer content with life in Springfield and has left to become Mayor of the Greatest City in the World.

His platform is politically sound. First he wants to sell the “forgotten borough” of Staten Island to New Jersey for some quick cash.

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Burns also wants to rid the city of all Hipsters.

Therefore, I’m announcing today that I, Damian from DAPS, endorse Monty Burns to be the next Major of our fine city. God bless Montgomery Burns and may God bless America.

Bet You Thought James Dean was dead?

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OK OK you got me…. he’s dead but:

“A short film, called Legend features James Dean, or what would have, could have been James Dean. Created by the South African investment company, Allan Gray, the short advertisement shows James Dean as an Oscar winner, a director, and even a humanitarian. It took 14 months to create and includes a cast of 300. The actor who plays James Dean had to take months of classes to prepare for the role.” - somaroy.tumblr.com

This video makes me kinda sad. DEAN had so much potential. Why did the lord take him…? I guess Heaven needed an excellent Method actor back in 1955

“Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.” ~James Dean

GOOD NIGHT SWEET PRINCE

wait what…?

Queen Elizabeth is OLDDDDD!!

So old that she has been photographed with 11 United States Presidents. Let’s go down the list.

Harry S. Truman…? Check.

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Dwight D. Eisenhower…? Check.

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John F. Kennedy…? Check.

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Richard Nixon…? Check.

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Gerald Ford…? Check.

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Jimmy Carter…? Check.

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Ronald Reagan…? Check.Queen_and_Presidents_5

George H. W. Bush…? Check.Queen_and_Presidents_4

Bill Clinton…? Check.Queen_and_Presidents_3

George W. Bush…? Check.Queen_and_Presidents_2

Barack Obama…? Check.Queen_and_Presidents_1

She was hot up until the late ’70s.

Google Street View Car Accidents

The INTERNET is wonderful!! Thanks to Google Street View we can all rubber neck from the safety of our computer screens and make snarky comments with impunity.

Here are my favs:

WIPE-OUT!

Screen shot 2009-09-22 at 8.26.51 AM

Oops how did I not see that tree?!? Oh wait it’s a women driver….. I should have known.

Screen shot 2009-09-22 at 8.37.00 AM

WTF is a Conoco gas station???

Screen shot 2009-09-22 at 8.33.46 AM

This guy really needed his 7-11 Coffee / caffeine fix that he believed his car could pass through another car exiting the parking lot.

And last but not least for no apparent reason let me sexy up this stellar post for ya:

WHAT AN ASSSSSSS

Found anything good on Google Street View? Plz share…..

I Present to You: Conrad the Pipe Smoking Video Man

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Conrad the Pipe Smoking Video Man has over 9,000 videos of himself smoking on youtube. And that’s all he does. He smokes a pipe on camera. And he has over 9,000 of them. He is one of the greatest human beings alive today. Why?? Let’s do the math:

each of the videos are in the range of 1 – 3 minutes… for 9000 videos you have say roughly 18,000 minutes footage of him smoking… divide that by 60 minutes and you get 300 hours of smoking or 12.5 of days non-stop smoking…

Or

He’s been doing it for about 16 months, so:

(9005 videos / (365 * (16 / 12))) / 16 waking hours = 1.15646404

So he’s uploaded a little over 1 video per waking hour since May 27, 2008. Wow.

How does Conrad describe himself to all of us viewing his Youtube page? Well, Conrad doesn’t have time to chit chat and dilly dally. He gets right down to business and tells us what’s most important about himself:

SMOKING:BIG CIGARS, AND PIPES TOBACCOS; WITH HATS, T-SHIRTS, T-SHIRTS OF SURF, SCOTLAND SHIRTS, SWEATERS, ANORACKS, ANORACKS T-SHIRTS, GAMULAN, BLUE JEANS LEVI’S CLOTHE, CAMOUFLAGE CLOTHE, LEATHER CLOTHE, GLOVES; AND TENNIS.

SMOKING, SINCE THE 18 AGE.

BEGIN, SMOKING; IN THE UNIVERSITY.

I couldn’t have put it better myself, Conrad.

Check out all his videos!!!!

Of course some are better than others. Here is my favorite:

I feel that “Untitled 10666 Pipe tobaccos, smoking” laments the feminizing of the masculine gender in 21st century American society.

He also has a myspace page but only 12 friends. Come on guys let’s get Conrad more friends!!!

CONRAD, CONRAD, CONRAD, CONRAD!!!

Start Your Monday Off Right…. WITH IMPLOSIONS!!!!!

Say it with me now: IMPLOOOOSIONSSSSS.

From this:ThreeRiversStadium.fullpage

To this: h_fullimplosion

I don’t know the history of these stadiums(Wikipedia is soooooooo helpful) but I do know there’s something about seeing things “fall down and go bomb” that makes me smile. ENJOY!

Three Rivers Stadium

Riverfront Stadium

Veterans Stadium

And finally there’s a bunch of Met fans here at DAPS so check out Shea Stadium Final Demolition on 2/18/09.

I’m About to Save You 10 Bucks: MEGAN FOX Kisses Another Woman

Jennifers Body movie image Amanda Seyfried and Megan Fox

From what I can gather, this movie stars the “Mean Girl” chick looking all nerdy and frumpy with a straight edge X on her hand and MEGAN FOX being MEGAN FOX. These two are the yin and yang of boners. Megan gives me one and other girl doesn’t. BUT according to the clip below, and every Hollywood movie EVAR, all you have to do to nerdy chicks is take off their glasses then they become instantly hot.

Oh and by checking out this clip I’m saving you the horror of sitting through a Diablo Cody movie. (I guarantee they’ll be some witty dialogue sprinkled with pseudo fake words that hipsters will think sound cool.) So please send the money you would be spending on movie tickets to me…… or just follow me on twitter: DAPSDAMIAN


Why What You Love Sucks: America

The United States of America. Why does America suck? Because the so called “Founding Father’s” were all a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males who didn’t want to pay their taxes.

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You’re probably asking yourself, how could a group of men creating the Declaration of Independence which includes these lines:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

in good conscience hold other humans in chains? Don’t believe me? HA HA MOTHER FUCKIN’ WIKIPEDIA’S GOT MY BACK:

…Twelve owned or managed slave-operated plantations or large farms: Bassett, Blair, Blount, Butler, Carroll, Jenifer, Jefferson, Mason, Charles Pinckney, Charles Cotesworth Pinckney, Rutledge, Spaight, and Washington. Madison also owned slaves, as did Franklin…

The truth is they were all huge DICKS. Not just DICKS; but Two Faced ‘holier than thouDICKS. In one breath they proclaim their “freedom” from England and in the next they prosper off of human bondage and suffering. Nice double standard you got going there you bunch of douches in white wigs.

And do you think this attitude ended after America won it’s independence? That’s a big N-O. Next up on AMERICA’s hit-list was the American Indian. When the 13 colonies became the United States it occupied 360,000 square miles. Today its size 3,794,066; an increase of 3.4 MILLION square miles. And who was living on all that not American land? THE NATIVE AMERICANS.

How did the United States go from hugging the East Coast to sea to shining sea? LOLOL it’s almost comical how sad it is. Hmmm well, the early American Government came up with many different ingenious ways to get rid of those pesky savages. President Andrew Jackson solemnly told Americans: “Our conduct toward these people [Indians] is deeply interesting to our national character.” So how did they show America’s ‘national character’? The “Removal Act of 1830″ which led to the infamous “Trail of Tears” in 1838 where the Cherokee people were forced marched from their homeland to government reservations. This resulted in the destruction of most of the Cherokee population. And this wasn’t an isolated incident!! The Chickasaw, Choctaw, Creek and Seminole people were removed from their land the exact same way. (see pic below)

Trails_of_Tears1

For the Indians who lived on the Plains, life depended on the American buffalo. In the beginning of the 1800′s, there were an estimated 40 million buffalo, but between 1830 and 1888 there was a rapid, systematic extermination of the buffalo which was largely done in turn to destroy the American Indian way of life.

I’m going to end here because I could keep writing and writing about the United State’s checked past. i.e.: the Naturalization Act of 1790, the 1882 Chinese Exclusion Act, the 1924 National Origins Act, racial segregation/ Jim Crow Laws, the Tuskegee Syphilis Study, Yellow terror on the west coast, internment camps for Japanese American citizens, nuking 2 Japanese cities.

You’re doing a great job AMERICAKEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

Kayne West’s Lame Attempt To Create Controversy.

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My Facebook/ Twitter blew up last night with everyone complaining about Kayne West’s rude behavior. Kayne appeared out of now where as Taylor Swift was accepting an award, took the mic and then proclaimed to the her and the audience:

“Taylor, I’m really happy for you. I’ll let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time … one of the best videos of all time!”

Here’s the clip:

Wow how fake was that? Does Kayne really need to pull these “stunts” to get exposure? Yes. Yes he does.

I’ll tell you exactly how this whole situation will play out. First all the so-called mainstream “news” outlets (CBS/ NBC/ ABC) will pick up this story and report it on  Monday only. Then TMZ, Extra and Access Hollywood will go over board and report on the story for a week straight.  While this is going on Kayne will release an apology on his blog in all CAPS. Thus making the mainstream news outlets pick up the story once again to report on the latest developments. YUCK!

Just remember “Any publicity is good publicity“.

Horrible Dating Self Help Books That Actually Exist

Our good friends over at whipitoutcomedy.com have put together an excellent list of actual dating books with bizarre subjects/titles.  This is the virtual equivalent of going into the sex section of Barnes and Noble and giggling at the titles.

We all know dating is hard but have you ever run into any of these problems?

50

Apparently if you’re 50 miles away from your BF/GF cheating is “acceptable”…….

Picture+174This one is kinda hot. The title suggests that it will tell you how to trick your GF into allowing you to fuck other women. I imagine the guy accidentally falling into another woman’s vagina and this GF being OK with it after being indoctrinated by the techniques from this book.

513DDK48XAL._SS500_I actually think this is the most helpful book of this list. I have a saying “White bitches is CRAZY”. So what better way for an Asian Gentlemen to get into their first white chick?? A big thanks goes out to author Adam Quan.

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WTF! EWWWW. All I picture huge wrinkled old man balls. DO NOT WANT.

cheat

WOWOWOW. This is an insane premise/ title. First off is there really a different way to cheat if your black or white? I don’t think so. Plus the Amazon.com reviews are priceless:

…Men never seem to have any problems cheating on their women since the beginning of time, so why do men need a guide now?

I had a number of different reactions while reading this book.
My number one peeve was the author kept stressing on how no matter what a man did wrong, once he gave the woman great sex everything would be alright!! WRONG! Listen up men; great sex is not the remedy for women ALL the time…well…it won’t hurt…lol…But…
The author did state one very true fact; “Once doubt enters a woman’s mind it NEVER leaves”. So with that statement said; men need to know that even after the “great sex” we women will still have our doubts and we NEVER forget!

Anyway throughout this read I had my “hell naw’s” and “wtf’s” but I also had my “okay’s” and “oh yes’s”.